The other day, I was on a sales call with a potential client. I made a mistake that I felt really stupid about. It wasn’t a big mistake. What happened is that I showed up late for the call, and I ended up beating myself up and feeling flustered as a result.
More specifically, after that call ended, I couldn’t stop berating myself and calling myself names: “How could you do that? That was really stupid of you!” And I felt a heaviness in my chest that I now realize was shame. I had beat myself up for my mistakes and made myself feel even shittier in the process. Yet when I was in the thick of it, I had no idea.
I consider myself to be in active recovery around this kind of self-punishment, kind of like a recovering addict who is actively engaged in a twelve step program. My intention is to have self-compassion, but when I’m caught off guard or stressed, that plan goes by the wayside. Instead, the whips and daggers come flying out, all pointed inward. Old ways of being run deep, and I’ve got forty plus years of habit to rehabilitate.
If you can recognize yourself in what I’m sharing here, I want you to know that it’s time to CHANGE THE CYCLE OF PUNISHMENT.
Draw a line in the sand right now and decide to begin to break this cycle.
Of course, we all make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay to beat ourselves up over them. This habitual response only makes us feels worse and keeps us stuck in our misery. It prevents us from really LEARNING from our mistakes.
The next time you notice that you’re getting angry with yourself, calling yourself names or telling yourself that you SHOULD have done something differently, I want you to APOLOGIZE TO YOURSELF instead.
Here’s how you do it:
First, place both hands on your cheeks, cupping your face. Say out loud, “I’m sorry.”
Second, cross your arms at your heart. Say this: “I love you. I forgive you.”
Finally, place your hands in front of your face, hands touching each other as if in prayer. Bow your head slightly and say to yourself, “Thank you.”
Take a moment, right now, to practice apologizing to yourself using the hand gestures.
Did you do it? Bravo. You can’t see me, but I’m smiling at you.
If you didn’t do it, you’re not alone.
Many of the clients whom I have taught this to resist doing it at first and/or find it uncomfortable. (If this is you, watch my video and practice it with me.)
There are a number of objections. It can feel embarrassing to touch ourselves lovingly and apologize. It can be hard enough to say sorry to someone else, but it may be the most difficult to say it to ourselves!
Clients also sometimes make the mistake of thinking that if they don’t feel ready to or genuine about apologizing to themselves, they shouldn’t go through with it. There are a lot of things that we don’t want to do that are good for us–like getting on our running shoes and going for a walk or a jog. Don’t wait for the stars to line up to stop beating yourself up and to start apologizing. You don’t need to feel it to do it. Try it.
NOTE: When you’re around other people and need to apologize to yourself, you have permission to modify this exercise. For example, I’ll sometimes touch my heart or place my hands on my upper arms and apologize to myself under my breath.
Let me assure you, apologizing to yourself takes practice.
It takes willingness and discipline. But, just like getting to the gym and working out, the more you follow through with it, the better you’ll be at it, and the sooner you’ll get yourself out of the punishment loop.
It’s more important to be willing to do it, than to feel it, especially in the beginning. And if you’re resisting even trying it after reading this post, I want you to reflect on what’s getting in your way. This self-discovery can be an important first step in moving out of self-condemnation and into self-compassion and self-respect.
