Someone recently texted me and asked me to do a favor for them.
It was a relatively small favor as far as favors go, but I noticed that I had a strong urge not to respond at all. I felt like playing possum and pretending that I hadn’t seen the message and ignoring it. Part of me also thought about doing the favor, but not telling them until after the fact.
You see, I have a history with this person.
He’s sometimes gotten angry or lashed out at me in the past when I have said “no.” That reaction left me feeling like I can’t trust him, and then I just feel trapped and don’t want to respond at all.
In this recent situation, I eventually texted him back and let him know I would help him out. Before I did this, however, I asked myself why it was so hard for me to say “yes” to his request.
Upon reflection, this is what I came up with:
Unless you can genuinely say “no,” it’s really difficult to say “yes.”
Saying yes requires a certain amount of energy. An honest yes signifies a desire to help out or to participate or to share in the experience. It involves a level of buy-in that is hard to come by when you feel trapped or controlled or coerced.
A genuine yes conveys the following: “I’d love to help you out. I’m happy to do this for you and I’m so glad that I have the ability to make your life easier, so it’s not a big deal to me.”
That sounds a lot different than this: “I’m worried that if I say ‘no’ you will take it personally or think I’m being difficult. I’m concerned that you won’t understand that although it may seem little to you, it’s actually quite an inconvenience for me, and even stressful.”
So many of us women have been raised to be people pleasers.
We want to say “yes” to people because we fear that they’ll judge or reject or dislike us if we say “no.”
I find I do this. It’s usually when I am around a group of women and I worry that I’ll be judged by the group as being selfish for declining to help out. Rationally, I know that saying yes to things like hosting weekly Lego League meetings at my house and having six ten and eleven-year-old boys over is honestly one of the last things I feel like dealing with on a weekend afternoon. Still, I might feel guilty about saying no or for not saying anything at all.
Here’s the flip side of being a people pleaser: When you can’t stay true to yourself and just say “no,” other people find it difficult to trust you.
I say this from experience. There have been people who’ve said “yes” to me that I later wished had said “no.” I’ve found out that they complained behind my back or gotten passive-aggressive and dragged their feet or became irritable or defensive. And so, I don’t trust them.
My point is that whether we have the tendency to say “yes” because we’re people pleasers, or if we ignore a request because we don’t authentically feel like we can say “yes,” we’re creating an atmosphere of distrust.
In the latter situation, we’re also failing to recognize that other people may get angry with us for refusing to help them and that that can be okay.
- Takeaway #1: If you’re a people pleaser who too often says “yes” when you really know on a gut level that you’re too stretched/stressed/uninterested/apathetic, then ask yourself this: Would you rather have someone feel that they can trust you and be at ease with you because they know that you’re going to be honest with them and tell them like it is, even if it’s uncomfortable?
Or…
Is it more important to seem nice/friendly/helpful, even if you can’t help but convey some irritability or disdain?
If you’re anything like me, being trustworthy and authentic is key. I’d so much rather feel the discomfort that comes from saying “no” than have people feel like they can’t trust me because I’m two-faced or insincere.
- Takeaway #2: Sure, it’s no fun when people get angry with you for saying “no” to something that feels like an honest answer to you. But you can still do it! And when you recognize that you have the right to say “no” and to say it confidently, you also can really embody the true power of saying “yes.”
You can say “yes” and mean it. You can say “no” and mean it too.
You can recognize that even though you might want to ignore a request, like I initially did, it’s not all that helpful to do so.
The act of checking in with yourself and deciding what feels right is so empowering and authentic.
Be willing to be true to yourself, so that you can be true to others. Trust your intuitive self and others will trust you in the process.
