I was at a networking party full of women entrepreneurs this past week hosted at a friend’s condo. I had an interesting and fun conversation with Julie Herrera-Lemler, who works full-time in the construction business, runs a side bakery business, You Betcha Cupcake, and is involved with groups that empower women.
She’s married and also has a kid in middle school, and we had a laugh when I asked her when she found time to eat dinner and get some sleep.
What she shared with me which I so valued was her commitment to doing what makes her happy and her willingness to be brave and let go of the rest.
She states that even though she has a busy life today, several years ago her responsibilities were even greater and that it felt like too much. She wasn’t able to spend as much time doing what she was passionate about, which is expanding her bakery business, and she felt like it was important to make a change.
After realizing this, she made an intentional decision to reflect on what was important to her. She accomplished this by making a list of every single commitment she had and one-by-one she went down the list, asking herself the following questions: Does this make me happy? Do I want to keep doing it?
She states that as she crossed off the majority of the commitments on the list and started letting people know that she would no longer be volunteering her time in certain areas, she encountered some resistance. People who questioned her because they didn’t understand why she couldn’t continue to volunteer to make meals at the church kitchen or wondered why she would want to leave a committee that she had started.
She had to explain how these commitments were keeping her from growing her cupcake business and her belief that other people could continue to move things forward. After all, she was only a phone call away if they needed to reach out for help.
If you’re anything like her, maybe you too, wish deep down that you could cut down on the commitments and responsibilities that take up your time, energy and resources.
If so, it’s completely understandable. So many of us have multiple roles that we play, and we also feel compelled to say yes to those in need of our help to make a difference in the lives of others.
The idea of letting go of certain people, activities or responsibilities can seem impossible due to the strong emotions that we start to experience when we see ourselves as shirking our responsibilities and commitments. Maybe we feel guilty. Maybe we feel selfish. Maybe we tell ourselves it’s not okay to want to sit at home and read a book or set aside time to work on our business when we should be helping out at the school fundraiser that we’ve been volunteering at for the past four years.
Here’s the thing.
You may not feel like you can let go but the reality is that often times it’s possible. But in order to do so, you’ll have to be willing to work through any discomfort that arises.
If you’re able to sit with the feelings and not avoid them, you’ll start noticing the stories in your head that lead you to feel guilty, selfish and irresponsible. Maybe you’re telling yourself that It’s not okay for you to slow down and do less, or that focusing on growing the side business that you’re really passionate about is selfish because your family’s activities should always come first.
Direct your thoughts towards the energy that comes from taking charge of your life.
Know that even if you don’t know what you love, you still get to create space to let go of the things that are draining you.
Give yourself the gift of that space to think and reflect before you make your next move.
It’s okay to ask yourself: What do I want? What will make me happy? Reflect on your responses.
Even if you think you can’t let anything go, give yourself permission to write out that list of commitments and responsibilities, and to whittle down the things you no longer want to do. You don’t have to take action on the results if you don’t want to or if it feels irresponsible or selfish to do so. Or you can take action by saying no to just one of the 20 things you crossed off the list. Doing one small step is so much better than NOT taking any actions, especially if you’re feeling drained and depleted.
Just the act of being willing to do this exercise will help you to free up energy so that you have more choices.
Take Action to Declutter Your Commitments:
- Set aside 30 minutes to write out a list of commitments and responsibilities that you have on your schedule. Feel free to write whatever comes to mind, no matter how small the commitment.
- Allow yourself a few minutes to center yourself around your breathing. Place both hands on your heart and notice the sensations of temperature or heaviness that you feel.
When you feel ready, go through each item, one-by-one, asking yourself these two questions: Does this make me happy? Do I want to keep doing it? Cross out the items that you answer no to. - Tip: If you find yourself feeling emotional resistance, remind yourself that the only thing you’re doing is asking yourself these questions. That is all you have to do. Your mind may be coming up with stories, but you can still focus on still asking and answering the questions and going down the list.
- Give yourself credit for following through with this exercise and find something else to do. When you’re ready, go back and look at the list and make a conscious choice to either continue or discontinue each commitment that you’ve written down.
- If you’ve decided to say no or to let something go, decide how you will do so. If you want to let something but feel a lot of resistance or overwhelm, allow yourself to feel it and perhaps consider talking it out with someone you trust or journaling around it.
