Recently, when I’ve been socializing at get togethers and we start talking about what we do for work and I tell them that I am self-employed, I’ve noticed that more often than not there’s a woman who will inevitably say things like:
“I wish that I could start my own business doing XYZ because I feel so passionately about it, but I don’t feel like I could ever go out on my own. I’d feel too guilty and selfish about leaving a job that gives me a regular paycheck and benefits.”
If this is you, I get where you are coming from. It is scary to have thoughts about going out on your own. You’ve got a family to feed, kids’ lessons and medical expenses to pay for, and a lifestyle to keep up. You don’t want to take on more risk at this point in your life, and it can feel selfish and overwhelming to consider things like your passions or callings. After all, you’ve got a good life now, even if you kind of dread having to go to work on Sunday evenings.
As the conversation goes on, I start asking you questions, because asking questions and being curious is the mode that I’m most comfortable in: I want to know what’s getting in your way of going down this alternate path. What are you worried about? What would you need to find out to understand if your worries are worth shutting yourself down over?
You mention needing a steady income to pay the bills. You tell me that you’re the one who carries the health insurance for the family and that you couldn’t afford to pay for it if you had to buy it on the market. It’s just not possible for you, and yet you tell me that you also know people in your extended circles who are doing exactly the kinds of things that you want to do, and you really envy them for that.
There’s a point in the conversation where we switch gears and start talking about something else. Maybe it’s the weather and the fact that spring and warmer weather are finally arriving in Southern Minnesota. (Let’s hope we don’t have a snow storm in May.) Or maybe it’s the trips we have planned this summer or the shows we’re watching on Amazon Prime.
We stop talking about your dreams and passions because if I were to keep asking you questions it would just get awkward and annoying. You don’t see the point of going there, and I don’t want to make things uncomfortable. It’s not really my business anyhow.
Here’s what I still want to tell you though.
You don’t need to shut the door to your dreams so quickly. Even if you think that owning your own business isn’t possible, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth investing a little bit of time to see what the facts really are. There is no risk involved in asking questions or finding out answers to things you’ve already dismissed as not likely.
Yes, it takes time and effort to look online to see how much a health insurance plan on the market would cost, or to email an acquaintance to invite them to coffee so that you can pick their brains for an hour about how they got started and how their first year went. It can be overwhelming to actually figure out how much debt you have or to start thinking about how to save for a rainy day fund so that you could feel comfortable leaving behind a steady paycheck.
But if this is important to you, it could very well be worth your time.
If your baseline is to feel selfish or guilty when you start thinking about being out on your own, it is likely that you will feel similarly when you start asking questions or talking to people on this topic. But that’s okay.
It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. You’re just wondering what your options are, and that’s completely alright.
There’s nothing wrong with starting small.
Work on the idea that a question isn’t a commitment.
We all have to start somewhere.
You just need to give yourself permission to start.
